Jun. 29th, 2006 02:19 pm
ari_o: (ari_o)
[personal profile] ari_o
Nothing to do with recent events. This is the state of my innards regarding a reunion event tomorrow evening that is the closest I'll ever get to a High School reunion.

When I was 15 (in 1986) I started hanging out with a group of punks and goths and new wavers at a juice bar in NY. I was living in CT by then. This place was about an hour out of the city. We made frequent forays into NYC but we all hung out at this hole in the wall place. It cost three bucks to get in and we used to smoke pot on the roof or drink in the parking lot. We wore thrift store clothing mixed with stuff from Trash and Vaudeville on St. Marks and stuff from the mall. We had crazy hair. We wore crazy makeup. We danced around to Siouxsie, The Cure, The Clash, The Smiths, The Pixies, and a lot of other stuff. I remember how huge and cool Nine Inch Nails seemed when it first came out. And other industrial bands followed. Everything from Nitzer Ebb to KMFDM and Ministry revamped. Old Ministry was so cute! So Europop.

Eventually I became one of the DJs there. My old crowd had moved on to places that served alcohol and that were either in or were closer to NYC and so did I on Saturday nights. But my Fridays for about 8 years belonged exclusively to a shit hole that played dark, angry music mixed with silly New Wave. And I mixed in a fair amount of trance, jungle, and hip hop as that all grew more popular in the early 90s.

Tomorrow night we are having a reunion party in the city. My oldest and best friend is coming up from Atlanta. I am not sure who else will be there. Many friends I haven't seen or really talked to in about ten years. Many of whom I am suddenly sort of excited to see.

I would never go to an actual High School reunion because I loathed my high school and only had a very tiny group of friends from there, two of whom are dead, and at least three of whom are certain to attend this thing. This gathering is really like a 15-20 year HS reunion for me. All my old boyfriends pre-St. John's were in that crowd. And some of them may show up. Which makes me slightly queasy. But David is going with me. So husband, yay! Because I am not on good terms with any of the exes. There are only two I absolutely do not want to see or talk to and either of them could end up making a scene. One of them is still angry at me--14 years later. I didn't even like him when I was dating him. I used to date guys I felt sorry for and it took me years to figure that out. I think 23, I was 23 when I did. And I stopped dating idiots I felt terribly sorry for. Thank you mom for the wonderful model you gave me to follow!

I can't believe how dumb I was then. Or how much time I spent on my hair. I'll have to find a photo. I didn't want to have curly hair so I was always straightening it. Shaving parts of it off. Bleaching it. Coloring it pink, purple, black, white, red, whatever. I was so ridiculous. I really was determined to make sure that people knew I was different just by looking at me. I had no sense of subtlety or the delightful surprise that comes from looking just like a normal person--but refusing to always behave like one. Plus I realized I was vastly underestimating a lot of so called normal looking people.

So what is all this dithering moving towards? My best friend emailed me yesterday and asked what I was wearing tomorrow night because she is nervous about it. (We clubbed together in NYC for years. We wore insane outfits to hang out with drag queens at silly old clubs like tunnel and Limelight. I had a rubber skirt and elbow length satin gloves and fake eye lashes and platform fluevogs.) I told her I'd be wearing something comfortable and I didn't care. I'm too poor and too fat to really put any effort into it. Then I thought about it and started to feel anxious. Not that I care too much about how I look these days, or that I care if people go home thinking I let myself go or I got fat or whatever. (I weigh about 80 pounds more that the last time almost anyone of those people saw me. On the one hand I am older and married and who cares. On the other hand a small but insistently vocal part of me is freaking out! Because I used to like to look impressively bizarre.)

So what is a girl with no money who can't really hope to look all that great no matter what she does in the next 24 hours to do? Well, I'm coloring my gray as we speak. It is silver and sort of pretty but just sort of here and there. If my hair was all silver that would be cool. I don't think any of these people have ever seen my natural hair color. Ever. I colored my hair from the time I was 13 until I was 24. I let it grow out into its natural mouse brown after that. And periodically I add something to it (even now because it has no color at all) that is not terribly damaging. So maybe people won't recognize me if I want to avoid them? erm...

I poked my head into the Gap this afternoon to see if I could just pick up a new black tee shirt or something. I found a black and white dress that is sort of nice, and on sale for $18. I am thinking I'll pop it on with my old combat boots and voila. Nice cotton dress matched with old crappy boots. And I can probably find an old punk rock T-shirt to wear as a cardigan, which is something I used to do when they wore out. So homage to my roots. Check. I mean if I was still a size six I would wear one of the old dresses I have packed away from those years... But there is no way in hell. I could only put my arm in one of them now for lord's sake.

So here I am--mortified. Anxious. A little excited. In need of washing the dye out of my hair, and shaving...

*sounds of muffled screaming*

Date: 2006-06-29 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think your fashion statement sounds cool. I'd offer you a Bauhaus "undead" t-shirt, if only I could find it (and get it to you in time!)... Also -- and this is from someone who has been quite overweight, and is working to come down from that -- you rock those combat boots and that cute dress. (Also, Target has fishnets...) You will look grand.

As a side note, we are the exact same age, I think. (My grey has come in as one streak, so I'm embracing my inner Rogue.) Except I had to wait to discover all the good music until I went to college. Damn rural music isolation!

Date: 2006-06-29 07:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I would have had rural music isolation except we moved from NYC where I'd already been exposed to it--to rural CT. I was lucky there was an underground punkrock radio station I could get. :) It intorduced me to Sonic Youth and other cool shit.

I used to have a Bauhaus t shirt but exbf stole it in 1989 along with my Jesus and Mary Chain and Dead Can Dance shirts. I still have my Dead Kennedys DK shirt. And it got sliced down the back at a hardcore matinee at CBGBs in 1988 so I've worn it as a cardigan or safety pinned together ever since... hee!

Date: 2006-06-29 08:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
it got sliced down the back at a hardcore matinee

That must have been some hardcore!

My biggest problem was being too short for the mosh pit -- elbows in the face is no fun. (Then again, my husband once had a pair of glasses ruined because he jumped in the moshpit at a Marilyn Manson concert, and he's 6'4". So I should stop whining and mosh, I guess.)

I was into Britpop all through school, though I only heard what I could find on the local radio. I got into Goth because I did a London semester while I was in college (1990). But Florida is not so good for wearing velvet and long dresses, alas.

I think you'll have a great time at the reunion. Hang with the people you like, forget the people you don't, and enjoy yourself immensely!

Date: 2006-06-29 08:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love britpop! Wheeeeeee! I just got a turntable and am so excited. Cause I have thousands of records.

Date: 2006-06-29 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow. I don't mean to sound silly, but I think that all of this is so cool. I mean, you have memories, real memories, of your young adulthood, which is more than I have. And I'm already twenty! Eep, sometimes I feel like there's not enough time to do or be part of incredible things.

Good luck on your reuniony thing, though. I'm sure you'll still be a grand sight.

Date: 2006-06-29 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hahahaha! A lot of my memories are from when I WAS 20!

Date: 2006-06-29 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
But you had a headstart. :)

Date: 2006-06-29 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah I had some headstarts I wish I hadn't had.... I had some very early self destructive behaviour!

Date: 2006-06-29 08:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Eep, sorry...I didn't mean to mean it like that. Or something.

Date: 2006-06-30 12:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Me too, but mine was all boys, boys, boys. *sigh*

Date: 2006-06-30 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Mine were boys, and drinking, and drugs.... oh my!

Date: 2006-06-30 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I drank some. Enough. Ugh.

Date: 2006-06-30 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I was very very naughty. :(

Date: 2006-06-30 01:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Me too. I was thinking of what I posted about the other day...writing. And thinking, I could just write what happened TO ME and I bet I'd get loads of comments...heh.

Date: 2006-06-30 01:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Meep! Yes. Probably true. But then you'd have to think about it...

My head hurts. How is yours? It is bad that when I get a headache I think of you.

Date: 2006-06-30 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
OMFG STOP IT! *dead*

My head is okay right now. Ask me again when I'm in Colorado, clutching my throbbing cranium.

But then you'd have to t hink about it...

Yeah, well, one incident in particular that I remember with fondness rather than shame--I've been thinking about it all day. And thinking, DAMN that was hot, and I have this bizarre desire to share it.

Date: 2006-06-29 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm sure a lot of them have grown up too, don't you think? They probably won't care if you look normal. I mean, I can't tell you not to worry about it, because I would be feeling exactly the same way in your position. But don't pretend to be funkier than you are now just to be impressive. Just wear something comfortable, like you said you would, and try not to get too frazzled. I'm sure it'll be fun no matter what you wear. Besides, you have a husband who thinks you're hot. That's a nice accessory to tote around, isn't it?

Date: 2006-06-29 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Right. I am not going out of my way to look cool. If I can throw on my ancient boots though, great. They are comfortable.

Yay husband!

Date: 2006-06-29 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can't tell you how much I love this post... because you are so honest and *squee* I know just how you feel, even though I haven't quite been in the same place. It makes me excited to glimpse this young K. and I hope you have a wonderful time seeing everyone else as they've changed (or not) too. Take a million pictures, make a million new memories as well as reminisce only about the good ones in the past (i.e. hopefully no exs make scenes!).

And now you have me listening to The Cure the rest of the afternoon...

Date: 2006-06-30 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I hope it goes well! Good luck. :)

Date: 2006-07-01 05:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I vote you update this journal, as I only just realized in the whole recent fandom disaster that you had another one. *facepalm*

In my defense, I have been somewhat sporadic on LJ, generally speaking. I thought maybe you just got busy with grad school.

And re: this post - sounds like it will be a really neat event, whatever you end up wearing. If it were *me*, I'd be ever so tempted to go in a neat button-down shirt and knee-length navy skirt and loafers and smiley-face button, but then I'm still sort of not grown up that way... and of course, if you've been in email contact with them lately, that sort of thing is harder to pull off. ;)

Date: 2006-07-01 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hahahahaha! That would be brilliant. I actually wore a nice black silk cardigan and black and white tea length dress. But I also wore my old combat boots...

Date: 2006-07-01 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Sounds perfect! Something old, something new...

I do like the black-and-white stuff that's all over the stores just now. Mind, I've still been unable to go out and *buy* any of it, but at least I can be sincere as I compliment the ladies at work on their new purchases.

Pink Year was more of a challenge that way.
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