Jun. 29th, 2006 02:19 pm
ari_o: (ari_o)
[personal profile] ari_o
Nothing to do with recent events. This is the state of my innards regarding a reunion event tomorrow evening that is the closest I'll ever get to a High School reunion.

When I was 15 (in 1986) I started hanging out with a group of punks and goths and new wavers at a juice bar in NY. I was living in CT by then. This place was about an hour out of the city. We made frequent forays into NYC but we all hung out at this hole in the wall place. It cost three bucks to get in and we used to smoke pot on the roof or drink in the parking lot. We wore thrift store clothing mixed with stuff from Trash and Vaudeville on St. Marks and stuff from the mall. We had crazy hair. We wore crazy makeup. We danced around to Siouxsie, The Cure, The Clash, The Smiths, The Pixies, and a lot of other stuff. I remember how huge and cool Nine Inch Nails seemed when it first came out. And other industrial bands followed. Everything from Nitzer Ebb to KMFDM and Ministry revamped. Old Ministry was so cute! So Europop.

Eventually I became one of the DJs there. My old crowd had moved on to places that served alcohol and that were either in or were closer to NYC and so did I on Saturday nights. But my Fridays for about 8 years belonged exclusively to a shit hole that played dark, angry music mixed with silly New Wave. And I mixed in a fair amount of trance, jungle, and hip hop as that all grew more popular in the early 90s.

Tomorrow night we are having a reunion party in the city. My oldest and best friend is coming up from Atlanta. I am not sure who else will be there. Many friends I haven't seen or really talked to in about ten years. Many of whom I am suddenly sort of excited to see.

I would never go to an actual High School reunion because I loathed my high school and only had a very tiny group of friends from there, two of whom are dead, and at least three of whom are certain to attend this thing. This gathering is really like a 15-20 year HS reunion for me. All my old boyfriends pre-St. John's were in that crowd. And some of them may show up. Which makes me slightly queasy. But David is going with me. So husband, yay! Because I am not on good terms with any of the exes. There are only two I absolutely do not want to see or talk to and either of them could end up making a scene. One of them is still angry at me--14 years later. I didn't even like him when I was dating him. I used to date guys I felt sorry for and it took me years to figure that out. I think 23, I was 23 when I did. And I stopped dating idiots I felt terribly sorry for. Thank you mom for the wonderful model you gave me to follow!

I can't believe how dumb I was then. Or how much time I spent on my hair. I'll have to find a photo. I didn't want to have curly hair so I was always straightening it. Shaving parts of it off. Bleaching it. Coloring it pink, purple, black, white, red, whatever. I was so ridiculous. I really was determined to make sure that people knew I was different just by looking at me. I had no sense of subtlety or the delightful surprise that comes from looking just like a normal person--but refusing to always behave like one. Plus I realized I was vastly underestimating a lot of so called normal looking people.

So what is all this dithering moving towards? My best friend emailed me yesterday and asked what I was wearing tomorrow night because she is nervous about it. (We clubbed together in NYC for years. We wore insane outfits to hang out with drag queens at silly old clubs like tunnel and Limelight. I had a rubber skirt and elbow length satin gloves and fake eye lashes and platform fluevogs.) I told her I'd be wearing something comfortable and I didn't care. I'm too poor and too fat to really put any effort into it. Then I thought about it and started to feel anxious. Not that I care too much about how I look these days, or that I care if people go home thinking I let myself go or I got fat or whatever. (I weigh about 80 pounds more that the last time almost anyone of those people saw me. On the one hand I am older and married and who cares. On the other hand a small but insistently vocal part of me is freaking out! Because I used to like to look impressively bizarre.)

So what is a girl with no money who can't really hope to look all that great no matter what she does in the next 24 hours to do? Well, I'm coloring my gray as we speak. It is silver and sort of pretty but just sort of here and there. If my hair was all silver that would be cool. I don't think any of these people have ever seen my natural hair color. Ever. I colored my hair from the time I was 13 until I was 24. I let it grow out into its natural mouse brown after that. And periodically I add something to it (even now because it has no color at all) that is not terribly damaging. So maybe people won't recognize me if I want to avoid them? erm...

I poked my head into the Gap this afternoon to see if I could just pick up a new black tee shirt or something. I found a black and white dress that is sort of nice, and on sale for $18. I am thinking I'll pop it on with my old combat boots and voila. Nice cotton dress matched with old crappy boots. And I can probably find an old punk rock T-shirt to wear as a cardigan, which is something I used to do when they wore out. So homage to my roots. Check. I mean if I was still a size six I would wear one of the old dresses I have packed away from those years... But there is no way in hell. I could only put my arm in one of them now for lord's sake.

So here I am--mortified. Anxious. A little excited. In need of washing the dye out of my hair, and shaving...

*sounds of muffled screaming*
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


ari_o: (Default)

April 2011

1011121314 1516

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 02:02 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios