fuck you universe
Jun. 24th, 2006 12:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ari_o One "friend" lied to my face and set me up to fall flat on my face while trying to help her. Fine. I can deal with that. Then another "friend" tried to blame the fact that she was lied to by that person ON ME. Fine. I am hurt I am pissed. I will survive. I get my period and it is a doozy in the middle of all this mess. OK. I'm tough. I rip all the skin off of my knee in front of the children at work. Great. It was my dead mother's birthday too? OK! That always makes me sad. I'm used to that sad. Nothing new. I'm getting a little raggedy around the edges. I find my name all over hell and creation and complete strangers are saying horrible thinsg about me and I am not sure who my friends really are right now except in a few cases. And we moved so I could to grad school and I have no one near by who can I talk to or who can keep me company. OK, I can deal. I have a great husband, right? Wow, guess not.
Because now my husband says he has run out of empathy and sympathy with my emotions and I am on my own? He refuses to listen to me, let me vent, or give a flying fuck. Because the kidney stone I had last month was hard on him and he just gave up? My fucking kidney stone was hard for him?! WELL WHY THE FUCK ARE WE MARRIED? I really don't need someone who can't handle it at the first sign of stress. Especially because I have chronic health problems. I have a history of depression and I've gone off my meds because all they were doing was making me fat and disinterested in sex. I have not been feeling any more depressed but I do feel anxious and tentative about everything. This is a fabulous time to withdraw emotional support. So the universe has knocked me off the trapeze and now I have no net.
I've been crying on and off all morning. I've reached the end of my limit. I am not OK. I don't even know how to find OK. I'm so angry. I've been betrayed by three people at least this week. One doesn't matter. One hurts a lot. And one I can barely comprehend.
And now I am supposed to go write my thesis. I hope I can just bury myself in it and forget about everything else because it is just too much. In college when my mother was dying I was not very good at losing myself in my work and forgetting about her illness and pain and the misery my father and brother were enduring while I was on the other side of the country. But maybe this will be easier to block out because I won't have a crushing sense of obligation and guilt along with my upset.
Because now my husband says he has run out of empathy and sympathy with my emotions and I am on my own? He refuses to listen to me, let me vent, or give a flying fuck. Because the kidney stone I had last month was hard on him and he just gave up? My fucking kidney stone was hard for him?! WELL WHY THE FUCK ARE WE MARRIED? I really don't need someone who can't handle it at the first sign of stress. Especially because I have chronic health problems. I have a history of depression and I've gone off my meds because all they were doing was making me fat and disinterested in sex. I have not been feeling any more depressed but I do feel anxious and tentative about everything. This is a fabulous time to withdraw emotional support. So the universe has knocked me off the trapeze and now I have no net.
I've been crying on and off all morning. I've reached the end of my limit. I am not OK. I don't even know how to find OK. I'm so angry. I've been betrayed by three people at least this week. One doesn't matter. One hurts a lot. And one I can barely comprehend.
And now I am supposed to go write my thesis. I hope I can just bury myself in it and forget about everything else because it is just too much. In college when my mother was dying I was not very good at losing myself in my work and forgetting about her illness and pain and the misery my father and brother were enduring while I was on the other side of the country. But maybe this will be easier to block out because I won't have a crushing sense of obligation and guilt along with my upset.
