bangs head on microplane

We put up our wedding registry yesterday and I still feel weird asking people to buy us gifts. I also included a link to donate to The American Cancer Society because both my parents and my grandmother died from cancer. So many of my friends have lost loved ones to cancer. Apart from actually coming to our wedding the best thing guests can do is donate to a cause that is helping current patients and trying to find a cure. We'll live without crazy knives and fish poachers just fine.

Vent about BNfs and wankiness and illusory perceptions:

I really don't understand what prompted someone to ask me if we sent sapphireisle an iPod because her mum was sick and she was a BNF. Is she a BNF? I didn't know. I never know who is considered what except for the obvious four names that get tossed around. And I really don't care. I've screened the comment but kept my response open because I wanted to reiterate why I did what I did for Jillian but I did not want to start a wank war or point fingers at the poster who asserted I did it only because of BNFness. Plus I would feel like an idiot for making a post like that in retrospect and on the off chance that the poster feels the same I didn't want to subject him/her to that. and on the off chance the the poster is looking for wank or attention? Not going there either. You can go. Send me a raunchy post card I can read over coffee.

I love that on livejournal the gloves come off. People say things they probably wouldn't in real life or to a person's face. But the greed and jealousy and insecurity that comes with the honesty is often just plain pathetic. Of course I know people can be pathetic. I am pathetic too. Often. It is part of the human package. Is there a gene for patheticness? I wish we could turn the sucker off. However I am way passed sick of hearing "I wish I was a BNF so people would send me gifts, worship at my feet, peel me grapes,launch a thousand ships,etc." If you really feel that way you need therapy or exerise or vitamins or a clue. Being a BNF is an illusion. You need to realize that people don't just hand you things in life because you are well known unless you have given them something too, or they perceive that you have given them something. A thrill, a quickening heartbeat, a fun story to read, an amazing and huge resource or website, a laugh, a cute face or ass or cowlick to drool over. And no matter how many people piss on that person's looks, accomplishments, or behaviour it doesn't mean that there wasn't something laudible there, that there wasn't something genuine in the first place. Because this is all about deeply flawed and subjective human perception. Illusory? I dunno. What do you think? Have you ever seen it? Sitting in a tree eating grubs? It is like a damn photon except no wave or particle, just like and dislike.

I am so tired of the hard work being overlooked and pissed on. And people making easy targets of other people to make themselves feel better or cooler, or just because they can. And if you do that and enjoy it well I can't see why you'd care what I think or even be reading this. I'm just a pudgie girl in Massachussetts with too many damn opinions and some very specious logic.

Some of you may consider this ironic as I have been part of Fandom Wank at times. I originally joined because I was being wanked. I then met some cool people over there and shared some laughs. I also met a lot of assholes over there. Gee, I guess that is like life. Meet some cool people and some assholes and then you die.

I ultimately drifted away from f_w as I have from fandom because I am too busy with real life shit. Marriage, moving, starting grad school has eaten up all my time. I miss a lot of people in fandom and on lj but there is some stuff I am glad not to run into on a daily basis anymore. People who think they deserve special treatment and whine about not getting any? I am really really sorry if you were ignored or teased as a kid. But who the fuck wasn't? Get over it. Life is hard
, cruel at times. And I think most of us don't even have a clue about how really bad it can be. So unless you are concentration camp survivor, a genocide survivor, grew up in a war zone, were starved, abused, beaten to paralysis, or partly cannibalized--everyone has had it just as hard as you do. No matter what you think. So get the fuck over it.

I don't pretend to be a special, kind, or superior kind of person. I'm just me. I'm as fucked up and mean as anyone else is. I've done a lot of crap in my life I cringe to think about. I don't have to always make sense. People don't usually. To quote a veteran wanker "I am a beautiful and unique snowflake!" And I would add, "Please ignore the girl behind the curtain." But I cannot keep my mouth shut when people second guess or gripe about a good deed. So there.